- Surviving the Wolves -
2026-07-05
Have you ever felt like giving up? Have you ever felt like giving up? Have you ever felt? Like the universe was against you? Like every single bit of chance was stacked in a way not to necessarily kill you but instead to drag out the horrors of the world upon you so you may experience every single one of them in full before dropping dead?
Me too! Luckily there's a way to survive this. Feelings are just feelings after all, so let's take a break from ever feeling and approach it rationally.
Yesterday my power went out. I had to spend the whole day doing real life stuff. Except nuh uh! I still had my phone. I could escape to the land of discord for a few sweet moments. I could induldge in Silvagunner and reddit slop. Right. I could go out into my car and "waste" gas by turning it on just to charge my phone and use the AC. All this to say, my plans for the day were ruined: I was going to work on my website. I was going to do a Blog post. But the universe conspired against me, and I didn't have the tools to fight back.
But Today was Different. I felt much relief upon waking to functioning electronics, but I didn't realize the internet was still out. And then news came it would be out for the next 4 days as well. Of course this would happen right as I'm making my website. One of the most "internet" things possible. My plans were once again foiled.
But no, this time I refused. I had power, my computer still functioned, and importantly, I could still work on my website. Sure, I couldn't update it until later, and sure, it would be impossible to look up things on my computer and download assets and troubleshoot code, but there are ways around that.
Sure, I was going to use my phone's hotspot but because of a stipulation I can't anymore since I've already used more than 25 GB of data this month. But that wasn't the point. I could still code, I could still work on my website. I could still resize the mewmew doohickey at the bottom of my main page, so it didn't block everything on mobile.
So I did it, and it felt great. I didn't even need to look up how to do it, though I definitely tried unsucessfully. I just tried different combinations of properties until it worked. That condition, "I need internet to do this," broke with enough force applied. I think this applies to a lot more conditions than we realize.
Today I wanted to write a blog post, but I didn't know what about. Luckily my internet went out, giving me a perfect topic. How to keep going when everything is going wrong. I thought I couldn't make a blog post, but all I had to do was break through that condition, that it had to be *published*, and I could do it. Unspoken chains...
So when everything in the universe seems against you, first off, it obviously isn't. You are still living and breathing and if the world really wanted to it could end you on the spot. But you have a wonderful mind. You can think of ways around the world's tricks, and you can even turn evil to good.
The trick is to question everything about your goals. What is your real point? Why are you wanting to do that anyways? How much do your limiters really limit you? How can you get around them? I, for instance, could move files to a laptop and take it to a coffee shop if I really wanted to upload something from my computer, or I could borrow someone else's hotspot.
My goal was to upload a blog post, then I realized the uploading wasn't important: it can be uploaded a few days after I actually MAKE it. And why is making it important? I want to keep my momentum on the website, that's my real goal. I want to contribute something small every day, or close enough to it. And I wouldn't have realized this so soon without a convenient obstacle.
Obstacles, this pain, can fuel your art.
I spent hours trying to fix my internet, a problem I couldn't get through with brute force alone. I have to wait for a technician to come save me, do something impossible for me to do. But in the meantime I am still alive. I can still feel joy, I can still have purpose. You can always keep doing what you're meant to be doing, extract meaning in whatever way you ascribe to life. All that useless effort taught me a lesson, gave me something to avoid, a deeper understanding of futility, an essence I can use forevermore until I need to feel that pain again.
Don't slam your head into bricks for nothing. Slam it into bricks for SOMETHING. Slam that loose brick after you actually examine the wall that's hiding whatever the hell you really WANT to be doing.
Make art despite it all. If you can't get where you want to go, cut a new path you wouldn't think to tread before, get a new experience. And if you still can't reach your goal, at least the journey will be interesting. And maybe you'll find a new goal along the way.
I'm still scared about not having internet for a few more days. I do so much online, it makes up most of my waking hours. But I've been meaning to read more, even if I have no books. I think I'll go to the library. It's lucky my town has one.
I've been meaning to get back to watching shows I like: I'm lucky that I predownloaded a few for a rainy day.
I've been meaning to play some old games for the DS, and luckily the internet being out is a perfect excuse.
Most of my life has been ripped away and I am lucky because so many new paths lay before me.
Anyways I'm probably just gonna watch youtube for 8 hours a day till it's back on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Thanks to Greg Guevera on youtube, who has inspired a lot of my feelings on art and helped me push through resistance. The only good parasocial relationship is with someone who actively tells you how bad it is.)
Feeling: Useless
